Love Letter: The Day My Heart Changed
I remember the first time I saw you; it was freshman year of college. You were sitting in front of me and I thought to myself who is he, but that thought went away. Then sophomore year came and we met again. I remembered you as the boy who sat in front of me freshman year. Little did I know you would mean so much more to me.
We had classes together, and quickly became friends. For me you were always just a friend, but if I am honest from the beginning you were slowly becoming more. I guess everyone else saw it, the possibility that was you and me. But as you say my stubborn nature always get in the way. You were never my ideal type, but I would find that you were just right.
Everyone would say there was something more than friendship between us, but I refused to believe that. I mean you were not my Tall, Dark, and Handsome guy. What a foolish fool I was to see things as so black and white. One lesson you taught me was that those things don't matter when it comes to the heart. My heart responded to your warmth and it changed me.
I cannot remember exactly when things started to change, when I started to feel this way. You know me I fought it as long as possible. Hanging on to that ideal, and maybe that is why you slipped away from me. All I can remember is that it was an ordinary day, as we walked back from class. You were walking me back to my place, and we were talking and and then you smiled at me, and it hit me.
It hit me so hard in that moment that the person I wanted was you, the person I liked was you. You smiled at me as you always did, and everything changed for me. It had been changing, but in that moment it all came crashing down and I knew you were so much more to me than a friend.
It was hard to keep my feelings in but I did, especially because I knew you had someone in your heart. Especially because I believed you wouldn't feel the same. So I held it in, I held everything in, and you still don't know how I feel about you. Its been more than two years since I realized the truth in my heart, the truth I want to tell to you one day.
Do you know? How wonderful you are, how warm and genuine your heart is, how when you smile you light up the world around you. I used to hold my breathe when I would see that smile because my heart would start racing inside of me. I wanted to always be the reason you smiled like that. I wanted to always be there to see that beautiful smile.
You changed me in so many ways, all of them for the better. You showed me that a person should be judged by their personality and character rather than their looks or in my case height:). You taught me that kindness is the most attractive feature in a person. That being genuine in everything you do is a must not an option. That life is meant to be lived well, and that people can surprise you in the most wonderful ways.
You said you miss my stubbornness, that same stubbornness is what kept me from letting you in sooner. Once I realized how I felt I wanted to let you in, completely in to my heart and my life. I wanted to stop hiding, stop fighting, and just show you that vulnerability inside of me. You are the first guy that I've felt that way about, and I wonder what exactly it means, these feelings I have for you.
I think about calling you, and sometimes I want to write it all down and mail my heart to you. If I wasn't such a coward, I would tell you how much you mean to me and how I wish we could see where things could lead. I miss you, I miss you so much my heart hurts. I can't help but think of you, and no matter how hard I try you still stay lingering in my mind.
I wonder what your reaction would be, to know this is going on inside of me. You always brought up Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome, and no matter how hard I tried to take it back you never seemed to realize I didn't want that ideal type anymore. What I wanted was real. What I wanted was you, always you.
I wish I knew if you ever felt the same way, or if it was always me alone feeling like this. I regret not showing you my heart, but even now I am too scared to open it up completely to you. I don't want to lose our friendship, just when I am starting to get it back. I don't want to make things awkward for you. Even then, I still wonder what if...what if I told you and you felt the same?
I guess I just lack the confidence to believe you could ever feel this way about me. Maybe you aren't the one for me, but right now it feels like you are the only one for me. You get me with all my moodiness and flaws. You accept me, see me, and understand me. I don't feel afraid when I am next to you. I feel like I can trust you with everything. You are the first person to make me feel that way. You and only you.
I'll be leaving soon, for a place far away from these memories of you. I wonder if I will still feel this way a year from now. I wonder if I will still think of you everyday, wishing you were here. I wonder....wonder about so many things. I want to tell you all of this, to just be honest with my feelings, but I keep wondering if I should, or if there is any point now.
Did I miss it, that chance for me and you? Is it too late? Was it never meant to be more than friendship between you and me? It has taken me a long time to be this honest with how I feel about you, how much I miss you, how important you are to me. If this is love that I feel, then it is a scary feeling.
Will I get over you? I'm not sure how long it would take, since you are so woven into my heart. I guess you are my first love...if this is love. You see I am so completely clueless I cannot even define my own feelings for you. All I know is that you are the first person that has made me feel like this, made my heart ache like this. All I know is that I miss you, that I miss us. I miss your laughter, your smile, your warmth, and being a part of your life. All I know is that my heart hurts this much because of you. That you are the first person I wanted to let completely inside my life. I wasn't afraid to let you in.
Maybe you never felt that way about me maybe I thought we were more than we really were, maybe your heart wants someone else. I have no idea how you feel about me. I keep wanting to ask you what am I to you? Here I am at 5:32 AM writing this all down. I'm tired of feeling like this. I wish I could turn off my heart switch and stop now but no matter how hard I try you are still there.
I wonder how you would react to knowing this power you have over me. You'd be surprised for sure. I mean you are the complete opposite of what I wanted, but you are exactly what I need. I feel like a better person with you. I want to be a better person with you. You calm me down. You make me happy. You make me believe. You make me ache.
M excuse is that I am leaving so there is no point in telling you how I feel. It been over two years and you still haunt me. You haunt my waking hours and my dreams. Always there in the shadows of my thoughts. Thinking about you is a bittersweet feeling. I'm happy they made me reach out to you, even if it is just to have you as my friend again. It won't be enough but it will be more than I have now.
I miss what we had, and even them I am greedy for me. I keep waiting for you, staying in this limbo of highs and lows because of you. I want to hate you for making me this weak, but also thank you for bringing out this part of me. I'm always thankful to you for brightening up my life, and changing me for the better. No matter what happens I will always be thankful to God that I have you in my life.
Knowing you makes me a better person, no matter where I am, or where you are. I will forever be thankful to you. You are a person no one ever forgets, and I am thankful I am blessed to know you.
With Love,
~Lola O.~
We had classes together, and quickly became friends. For me you were always just a friend, but if I am honest from the beginning you were slowly becoming more. I guess everyone else saw it, the possibility that was you and me. But as you say my stubborn nature always get in the way. You were never my ideal type, but I would find that you were just right.
Everyone would say there was something more than friendship between us, but I refused to believe that. I mean you were not my Tall, Dark, and Handsome guy. What a foolish fool I was to see things as so black and white. One lesson you taught me was that those things don't matter when it comes to the heart. My heart responded to your warmth and it changed me.
I cannot remember exactly when things started to change, when I started to feel this way. You know me I fought it as long as possible. Hanging on to that ideal, and maybe that is why you slipped away from me. All I can remember is that it was an ordinary day, as we walked back from class. You were walking me back to my place, and we were talking and and then you smiled at me, and it hit me.
It hit me so hard in that moment that the person I wanted was you, the person I liked was you. You smiled at me as you always did, and everything changed for me. It had been changing, but in that moment it all came crashing down and I knew you were so much more to me than a friend.
It was hard to keep my feelings in but I did, especially because I knew you had someone in your heart. Especially because I believed you wouldn't feel the same. So I held it in, I held everything in, and you still don't know how I feel about you. Its been more than two years since I realized the truth in my heart, the truth I want to tell to you one day.
Do you know? How wonderful you are, how warm and genuine your heart is, how when you smile you light up the world around you. I used to hold my breathe when I would see that smile because my heart would start racing inside of me. I wanted to always be the reason you smiled like that. I wanted to always be there to see that beautiful smile.
You changed me in so many ways, all of them for the better. You showed me that a person should be judged by their personality and character rather than their looks or in my case height:). You taught me that kindness is the most attractive feature in a person. That being genuine in everything you do is a must not an option. That life is meant to be lived well, and that people can surprise you in the most wonderful ways.
You said you miss my stubbornness, that same stubbornness is what kept me from letting you in sooner. Once I realized how I felt I wanted to let you in, completely in to my heart and my life. I wanted to stop hiding, stop fighting, and just show you that vulnerability inside of me. You are the first guy that I've felt that way about, and I wonder what exactly it means, these feelings I have for you.
I think about calling you, and sometimes I want to write it all down and mail my heart to you. If I wasn't such a coward, I would tell you how much you mean to me and how I wish we could see where things could lead. I miss you, I miss you so much my heart hurts. I can't help but think of you, and no matter how hard I try you still stay lingering in my mind.
I wonder what your reaction would be, to know this is going on inside of me. You always brought up Mr. Tall, Dark, and Handsome, and no matter how hard I tried to take it back you never seemed to realize I didn't want that ideal type anymore. What I wanted was real. What I wanted was you, always you.
I wish I knew if you ever felt the same way, or if it was always me alone feeling like this. I regret not showing you my heart, but even now I am too scared to open it up completely to you. I don't want to lose our friendship, just when I am starting to get it back. I don't want to make things awkward for you. Even then, I still wonder what if...what if I told you and you felt the same?
I guess I just lack the confidence to believe you could ever feel this way about me. Maybe you aren't the one for me, but right now it feels like you are the only one for me. You get me with all my moodiness and flaws. You accept me, see me, and understand me. I don't feel afraid when I am next to you. I feel like I can trust you with everything. You are the first person to make me feel that way. You and only you.
I'll be leaving soon, for a place far away from these memories of you. I wonder if I will still feel this way a year from now. I wonder if I will still think of you everyday, wishing you were here. I wonder....wonder about so many things. I want to tell you all of this, to just be honest with my feelings, but I keep wondering if I should, or if there is any point now.
Did I miss it, that chance for me and you? Is it too late? Was it never meant to be more than friendship between you and me? It has taken me a long time to be this honest with how I feel about you, how much I miss you, how important you are to me. If this is love that I feel, then it is a scary feeling.
Will I get over you? I'm not sure how long it would take, since you are so woven into my heart. I guess you are my first love...if this is love. You see I am so completely clueless I cannot even define my own feelings for you. All I know is that you are the first person that has made me feel like this, made my heart ache like this. All I know is that I miss you, that I miss us. I miss your laughter, your smile, your warmth, and being a part of your life. All I know is that my heart hurts this much because of you. That you are the first person I wanted to let completely inside my life. I wasn't afraid to let you in.
Maybe you never felt that way about me maybe I thought we were more than we really were, maybe your heart wants someone else. I have no idea how you feel about me. I keep wanting to ask you what am I to you? Here I am at 5:32 AM writing this all down. I'm tired of feeling like this. I wish I could turn off my heart switch and stop now but no matter how hard I try you are still there.
I wonder how you would react to knowing this power you have over me. You'd be surprised for sure. I mean you are the complete opposite of what I wanted, but you are exactly what I need. I feel like a better person with you. I want to be a better person with you. You calm me down. You make me happy. You make me believe. You make me ache.
M excuse is that I am leaving so there is no point in telling you how I feel. It been over two years and you still haunt me. You haunt my waking hours and my dreams. Always there in the shadows of my thoughts. Thinking about you is a bittersweet feeling. I'm happy they made me reach out to you, even if it is just to have you as my friend again. It won't be enough but it will be more than I have now.
I miss what we had, and even them I am greedy for me. I keep waiting for you, staying in this limbo of highs and lows because of you. I want to hate you for making me this weak, but also thank you for bringing out this part of me. I'm always thankful to you for brightening up my life, and changing me for the better. No matter what happens I will always be thankful to God that I have you in my life.
Knowing you makes me a better person, no matter where I am, or where you are. I will forever be thankful to you. You are a person no one ever forgets, and I am thankful I am blessed to know you.
With Love,
~Lola O.~
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